THE WHINGE WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS

Written to commemorate the 2006 Doctor Who Christmas Special "The Runaway Bride"


Every who fan
Down in Who York
Liked The Doctor a lot . . .
But the Empress of Racnoss
She definitely did NOT!

It started with a bride. She vanished with a scream!
All the guests at the church thought it must be a dream.
They didn't know where, they didn't know why,
All they know is she went with a startling cry.
She didn't go to Paris, she didn't go to Spain,
They looked down the aisle and searched down the lane.

Her mother thought she was joking, she thought it was rich,
Her daughter had left them, what a miserable . . . young lady.
She vanished on Christmas Eve, the night of her marriage,
Into thin air, without fairy godmother or carriage.
Little did they know, she'd been whisked away with her shoes on,
By millions of excited particles that went by the strange name of huons.
She flew through the air, she spun through the void
It was stranger than even a song from Pink Floyd.
Where would she land, would it be soon?
Would it be in St. Tropez or on The Dark Side of the Moon?
She'd been dealt a strange hand and knew not what her card is,
Suddenly appearing on the bridge of the TARDIS.

Donna, for so she was named, landed quite lightly,
She found herself in a strange place wherever it might be.
She turned and found she was not alone behind a locked door,
But stood face to face with the timelord who was called The Doctor.
Donna demanded some answers, she had no fear,
"What the hell is this place?", she snarled with a sneer.

She wanted some answers, she demanded them then,
She couldn't be silenced, she counted to ten.
The Doctor was confused, how could it be?
She couldn't be there, no she couldn't be she.
A human couldn't appear inside of his ship,
It couldn't be done, not with a pail or a whip.

She wasn't ten pin bowling, she made that quite clear.
She didn't want to stay, she said with a leer.
"Take me to the Church, I mustn't be late,"
It was her wedding day, she was sure of the date
. Lance was at the alter all dressed up and slick,
She must get back there at once, at once to Chiswick
.
The Doctor complied, he wasn't a letch,
But neither was he a hound to be called on to fetch.
He got her to Earth, as close as he could.
But not Donna thought, as close as he should.
He told her to call, but he was used to spaceships and rockets,
He forgot that wedding dresses never had pockets.

They ran for a cab, but they had no luck,
They had no money and it seemed they were stuck.
He ran for the ATM to make a withdrawal,
While Donna went to the booth to make a phone call.
She ran to the street and called for a cab,
For a nice Samaritan had picked up the tab.

The Doctor turned and what he saw made him sick,
Donna got in the cab driven by a robot St. Nick.
He ran to his ship and flew off like a shot,
He had to catch up, that cab had to be caught.
He had to save Donna, come hell or high water.
He raced down the motorway like a pig to the slaughter.

The TARDIS spun down on the cab like a hawk,
While the drivers around it got quite a shock.
They'd never seen a blue box speed through the cars,
At least not one driven by a strange man from Mars.
He had to save Donna, she had to get out,
But the door was locked shut as it sped on it's route.

The cab sped away like a hound on the scent,
As Donna's screams could be heard all the way into Kent.
The TARDIS shuttered as if in tempest was tossed,
The Doctor had to catch up or all would be lost.
He pulled out all the stops and sped after the cab,
His courage was awesome and his determination was Fab.

He told Donna to jump into his arms that were waiting,
She wasn't sure of him yet, or what the fates might be fating.
Yet, she jumped when he told her his companion was alive.
She leapt a leap of faith and flew like a bee to it's hive.
She flew to The Doctor and all her weight fell on him, Kerplop,
And to The Doctor's scrawny body that came as quite a shock.

Then the TARDIS spun away to the cheers of the watching children,
He flew to a nearby rooftop and stopped there and then,
For the TARDIS was not used to city driving at all,
The sparks flew and smoke rose in a column 12 feet tall.
Donna had missed her wedding, she sat down to linger
As The Doctor slipped a golden ring upon her chubby finger.

He wasn't the type to marry, nor the type to engage,
He merely wanted Donna to escape from the Robot Santa's cage.
They were tracing her somehow 'though he didn't know why
He used the bio-damping ring so that they couldn't her espy.
He had to figure out what they wanted from this bride,
He needed time to think it out, for the meantime she must hide.

With her affianced, Lance, she wished to be reunited,
But where could the guests have gone if the vows went unrequited?
She had a huge reception planned with music, food and spirits,
But no one would celebrate a bride's sudden disappearance.
Yet when The Doctor and Donna arrived there in the hall,
A festive, joyous, raucous time was being had by one and all.

When Donna saw the party going on without her.
She threw a wilting gaze all around about her.
She shouted, screamed, bemoaned and whinged.
It seems as if the Bride to be was suddenly unhinged.
When suddenly, the yelling was all at her directed,
She began to cry so that all the queries were skillfully deflected.

The party began again in earnest once more,
As all the wedding guests made it to the floor.
The Doctor wasted no time in determining all he could,
Like the fact that H. C. Clements was operated by Torchwood.
He watched the wedding tape to see all that he could see,
And saw that the vanishing bride was more than it should be.

He saw the huon particles as clear as it was day,
He knew that the ring on Donna would not keep them at bay.
The Santas appeared and wedding crashers they became,
As Christmas Balls swung round the room attacking gent and dame.
The Doctor tried his mixing skills to stop the robot band,
Sonic waves destroyed their threat before things got out of hand.

Off to H. C. Clements went Donna, The Doc and Lance,
To see what could be done to save England, Spain and France.
It seems like huon particles had brought Donna to his ship,
But how they had come to be inside her, The Doctor was not hip.
Then when they found the lower floor that was not on the map,
The Doctor found that H. C. Clements had the particles on tap.

Why would they make a particle so evil beyond doubt,
One so deadly that the Timelords had completely stamped it out.
There had to be a logic there had to be a key,
What evil could be behind a scheme, what reason could there be?
The Doctor had to know, he had to find out why,
He ran with Lance and Donna on a quest to do or die.

Little did The Doctor know who held the plan so dear.
She waited far above The Earth inside her web of fear.
So the three of them went onward still as on their Segways ridden,
To find out what strange creature was behind the scenes well hidden.

They found a deep, dark, nasty hole in the Earth was bore,
It went right down to the very center of the dark and dusty core.
What strange thing might lurk,
Underneath the Earth,
The Doctor was determined to find the answer to the riddle,
What evil was their lurking in the Earth right in the middle?

Suddenly a voice boomed out and said, "She is long since lost,"
But The Doctor would save the day whatever be the cost.
The Empress of Racnoss made her grand debut
Suddenly appearing on the Earth to view.
The Doctor knew her kind, but he she did not ken.
His people were enemies of her kind, but this she knew not then.

She needed the bride to bring back the last of her kind,
But with all those eyes of hers, how could she be so blind.
The Doctor would not let an innocent take the fall,
No matter how annoying she might be to one and all.
Lance was in the empress's employ and had been in on the notion,
He'd given Donna the [coffee] to start the plan in motion.

The clever Doctor-man brought the TARDIS at his call,
He took the bride back to the beginning of it all.
They saw the Earth a forming 'round the Racnoss ship.
They knew the plan was to wake them all from their kip.
How could he stop them before they won the day,
He had to end this once and for all before they had their way.

He was drawn back to the Earth, to the presence of the Queen,
She wanted all the energy inside the bride unseen.
But the Doctor would find a way of escaping from her trap, sooner or later,
He used the energy stored inside the extrapolator.
He brought the TARDIS just a little way away
And he explained to her what was happening as they took the bride away.

He had to save her again, it had become an occupation.
But just leave it to the Doctor to plan a flawless operation.
He ran in to the room as a robot in disguise,
It did not fool the Empress as she was to him wise.

He dropped his mask and released the bride to swing and not to fall,
Unfortunately his aim was off and she swung into the wall.
She hit it with a clang and fell unto the ground,
The Doctor's not always perfect, but he's still good to have around.

He was still in danger of being shot by the robots, as you can well believe,
But fortunately for him he had one more trick up his sleeve.
Well, in his pocket, actually, but still it did the trick.
He told the robots to wind down and then they ceased to tick.

He told the Racnoss Empress to stop and she'd still live,
But she was not interested in the chance he had to give.
He said that Gallifrey was the planet he was born upon,
This made her all the more intent to end his life anon.

Then from his pocket he withdrew the deadly ornaments
That would prove to all around the means to his intent.
He threw them in the air and as they spun around,
The Empress let out a cry, but still she stood her ground.

The breaches made along the walls let the water in,
It swirled and swirled around the room and in the hole went in.
Her children drowned, she'd lost her hope of being queen afar,
But she still lived and returned above and to her lonely star.

But she had attacked the world of men and they forgave not her,
They brought their tanks and armaments and none could them deter.
They shot above unto the star and it began to burn,
The ship came down in a rain of thread and in the wind did turn.
So ended all the hopes and dreams of the Empress and her kin.
That's how it ends with all of those that against The Doctor sin.

So returns the bride to her family and her friends,
But that is not exactly where this story ends.
It's Christmastime my friends, or had you forgot.
It's a time for fun and frolicking and eating quite a lot.

Donna asked The Doctor to join in all the fun.
He saved the world and made it snow, but now he had to run.
Let's not forget, Rose had gone, he missed her every day.
He could not join in on the fun, he had to go away.

He asked the bride to come along and the universe to roam,
But she had enough of danger to teach her to stay at home.
So into the TARDIS he retreated and then he tried to run,
But came back when she screamed, which is how this had begun.

She told him to find someone to help keep him in line,
But that's another story for another time.
So here's a Christmas wish for all to keep inside,
Learn what's truly important in life, just like the runaway bride.


By Harold Nickerson

 

 

 

Thanks to Martin Lowe for the "clockwork" design used on these pages.

Doctor Who and the TARDIS are copyright the British Broadcasting Corporation.
No attempt to supercede is made here.