Written to commemorate the 2008 Doctor Who Christmas Special "The Next Doctor" (Harold was especially relieved not to have to rhyme Banakafalatta this year!!!)

So the story begins, in quaint London Town
The TARDIS has landed with the snow falling down.
All seems quiet and peaceful on a cold Winters Day
Not at all what The Doctor often finds on his way.

The Doctor starts to walk towards the crowds in the Square,
He needs to find out when he's landed and where.
It seems to be England, now there's a surprise,
The place attracts him more than honey does flies.

The Doctor strides through the square enjoying the view,
Taking his time to survey and decide what to do.
We'd all be enjoying the market and the goods that abound,
If only the bloody cameraman would stop spinning around.

Time to ask a small boy, who stands selling cheeses,
What day and what year the Doctor asks as he pleases,
The boy answers that it's Christmas Eve, 1851
Only failing in adding, "God Bless us, every one".

Then a woman's scream rends the air, a call for The Doctor,
Now that's more like it, that's what these adventures are for.
He rushes to her side with a "What have we here",
But she continues to call out for The Doctor to appear.

He tries to explain that he's come at her call,
But he's not the Doctor that she wanted at all.
In rushes another to see what's the matter,
This is The Doctor she expected and ceases her chatter.

The Doctors face the steel doors, screwdrivers aloft
And they await the strange creature for them to accost.
Out rushes a creature that from a twisted nightmare was dug,
The thing is half cyberman and half deep pile shag rug.

There's no name to describe any sort of creature like that
We'll just have to call it a Cyber Bath Mat.
Before they can react it's up on the wall and halfway to the sill
When the next Doctor tries emulating Buffalo Bill.

Rosita hands him a lasso and he's swinging it round
He's going to try and rope the creature so it can be bound.
The new Doctor gets it in one, but the creature is strong,
It flies up the wall and takes him along.

Well, this can't be happening, not with our Doctor around,
He grabs the rope to save the day, but his feet leave the ground.
Now both Doctors are being pulled up with their limbs all a bobbin,
Like some strange bizarre parody of Batman and Robin.

So The Doctors are being pulled along like puppets on a string
When the Cyber Bath Mat jumps out and takes wing,
The Doctors are doomed to fall and break both their backs,
Until Rosita saves the day and cuts the rope with an ax.

So The Doctors have a laugh and have a big hug,
For having survived the attack of the Cybermat rug.
It's time to join forces for this enemy to defy,
And find out how the new Doctor's lost his memory and why.

For although the new Doctor's mind is smooth as milk of magnesia,
It seems that he may just have a touch of amnesia.
He doesn't remember the Doctors before him,
All the memories of former lives are foggy and dim.

Still, there's a mystery to be solved memory or not,
So The Doctors must follow all the leads that they've got.
It's off to the premises of Rev. Aubrey Fairchild,
To see what lies behind these events strange and wild.

So our Doctor is in with his sonic screwdriver a snap,
While the next Doctor's screwdriver is a cheap piece of crap.
The next Doctor's fob watch is a similar sham,
It looks like a chameleon device, but it ain't worth a damn.

So our Doctor asks questions to figure out what's afoot,
For to solve this strange mystery he'll be hard put.
The next Doctor says that it all began with a death,
It started when Jackson Lake breathed his last breath.

Jackson Lake was a teacher from Sussex of math,
All well until he crossed the Cybermen's path.
And so his days ended, all over and done,
Of any traces of his body, there was found none.

In Fairchild's study, they search for a lead,
The Doctors need some idea of what's their next deed.
Our Doctor finds some devices that may just be clues,
They're info stamps the Cybermen use to update their news. Aside: Kind of a Cyber NN!

These start a remembrance in the new Doctor's mind,
He's seen these before, or at least one of it's kind.
He had one of these on the night his memory was lost,
But why are they here in a Reverend's desk tossed?

We'll worry about that later as our Doctor has discovered,
That behind door number one a Cyberman is uncovered.
So it's time for the chase, as up the stairs the Doctors labor,
With our Doctor holding them off with a dulled English saber.

All seems lost on the landing as the Cybermen converge,
Until the new Doctor unleashes an info stamp core surge.
Now it's time to regroup and marshal their forces,
To the new Doctor's headquarters, once inhabited by horses.

So we move on to the funeral of Rev. Fairchild already in progress,
With horses and feathers and respectable gentleman more of less.
While the vicar is sermonizing there comes to the graveside a woman in red,
Not at all the attire one would expect her to wear when someone lies dead.

The vicar is upset with this woman around, he gets all angry, all prissy and grim
For any woman that comes to a funeral should wear something more dim.
She's too bright for the others, in more ways than one.
Miss Mercy Hartigan will be triumphant before day is done.

I won't bore you with details of the cemetery Cyberman romp,
Just suffice to say that it was like a Cyber version of the Broadway show Stomp.
For the mourners had to be deleted down to the very last wretch,
Except of course for Misters Cole, Skoons, Milligan and Fetch.

They would be used by the Cybermen as pipers to lead,
All the small children from the local workhouses with speed.
A workforce was needed for the engine to stoke,
And for this the Cybermen would use the young folk.

Meanwhile back at the stables our Doctors are vexed,
They discuss what has happened and what to do next.
They go to the yard near the gas works that with hay all is stroon,
And it turns out that the new Doctor's TARDIS is a balloon.
Aside: Tethered Aerial Release developed in style!

Things are falling into place and the mystery our Doctor begins to unravel,
It seems that London town was the destination of Jackson Lake's travel.
Jackson lived after all, but lost his memory in a violent brainstorm
And so to avoid his loss and grief a new personality was born.

He became the Doctor because it was that info stamp he used,
Then he lost his dear wife and got all confused.
But now the Doctor and Rosita must follow the children with care,
Follow them all back to the Cybermen's lair.

They meet up with the Cybermen and Hartigan still all in red,
At the moment it looks like The Doctor and Rosita are dead.
Then Jackson to the rescue with the info stamps like Rambo,
He's come to the rescue and now knows where they must go.

It's off to Lattimer Street, number 15 to be exact,
It's the home of Jackson Lake and that is a fact.
They find all the children in the bowels of the earth,
They need to fight the Cybermen for all that they're worth.

Meanwhile Hartigan is being made the new King,
For the Cybermen are only good at one thing,
And that's betraying the trust of any ally,
That tries to join up and their own race deny.

But Hartigan is better than even they thought,
She's in control of the Cyber King and look what she's wrought.
A new cyber race full of passion and fury,
Hartigan's a 19th Century brain to rival M. Curie.

So as the Doctor and company save all the children,
Hartigan takes over the cyber dominion.
The children are safe and they've found Jackson's son,
Still there's a battle to be fought and hopefully won.

As the Cyber King rises from out of the Thames,
The water falling down as it sparkles like gems.
The Doctor is hatching a plan of his own,
To go to the fight where by the wind he is blown.

So it's up in the TARDIS, the balloon, not the ship.
It's going to be a very dangerous trip.
Still The Doctor is ever willing to risk his own life,
When the forces of evil in London are rife.

So all hail the Cyber King made out of junk,
It's a crazy contraption the geeks call steampunk.
Still it packs quite a punch and shoots lasers, as you know,
And is currently flattening London like Godzilla's Tokyo.

So the Doctor shouts out to Hartigan in the Cyber King,
To rethink her resolve and remember one thing,
That she is a human and to her race should be loyal,
And not so easily to renounce this mortal coil.

He offers to send her somewhere that is safe,
To live out her life with this alien race.
Still, she is determined to carry out her evil plan,
To make every earthling a silver Cyberman.

The Doctor has no choice but to end her new reign,
The poor young woman has been driven insane.
He severs the connection so she can see what she has wrought.
It's a lesson that Mercy must yet be taught.

She destroys the Cybermen and herself and her red dress,
Still that's not the end of this terrible mess.
For where will the dreadnought fall and on whom,
London has not yet escaped a most terrible doom.

The Doctor uses the dimensional vault like a weapon,
He saves all the people that the Cyber King might step on.
He sends it to the vortex to be for all time,
And now we've nearly reached the end of this rhyme.

All that's left is for The Doctor to be cheered,
For he's defeated all there was to be feared.
It's time for him to go; now all is well and done,
There's never any time for the Doctor to have fun.

Well, maybe this once he'll stay and have dinner.
It's always nice to celebrate when you are the winner.
So the moral of our story is not to betray your own race.
For the mirror will always reflect that same face.

So remember forever that from grace not to fall,
All that's left is to say, "Merry Christmas to all".

By Harold Nickerson




Thanks to Martin Lowe for the "clockwork" design used on these pages.

Doctor Who and the TARDIS are copyright the British Broadcasting Corporation.
No attempt to supercede is made here.